Breaking Free From Toxic Cycles: Becoming Your Own Protector

Six months ago, I stepped back into life on my own. The realisation that my partner and I were no longer aligned in our paths landed fully before me. Once again, I found myself living life solo — a place I’ve been many times before. Each time, I promised myself I would only step into a relationship that is fully, deeply aligned with my truth.

More recently, I made the choice to sever an incredibly toxic, long-lived, on-again-off-again relationship — one that had been part of my life since my early teens. It’s a relationship I claimed to love, yet one I constantly wanted to leave, tried multiple times to leave, and yet let back in again — even though I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, it was detrimental to my health and could possibly have ended me.

The journey of healing is being able to realise and recognise the beauty all around you and to follow the path that your heart lays out before you.

At first glance, this could describe any toxic relationship — with a partner, a friend, or an environment that drains you. But in this case, it’s my relationship with smoking. And just like those other toxic relationships — with drinking, drugs, unhealthy friendships, or partners — the cycle of abuse is undeniable. The difference here? In this cycle, I was my own abuser.

In his book The Easy Way to Stop Smoking, Allen Carr asks a simple yet powerful question: if we truly loved smoking, then why are we always trying to quit? This question rings true for any attachment — drugs, alcohol, or toxic relationships. We know, deep down, they are not good for us. We desperately want to let them go… yet we keep going back. Why? Because we fear what we might be missing out on if we don’t. We fear life on the other side. And perhaps, most of all, we fear confronting the parts of ourselves we have been hiding from all along.

But here’s the truth: freedom begins the moment we recognise the cycle and choose differently.

Breaking Free: Simple Steps to Begin Your Journey

Step 1: Make the Choice

Choose yourself. Recognise the behaviours that are harming you — physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Admit that continuing these patterns is keeping you stuck. This is the moment of clarity where change becomes possible.

Step 2: Choose Differently and Create Your New Story

Once you’ve recognised the cycle, it’s time to take a conscious step in a new direction. This might mean leaving a toxic relationship, saying no to substances, or stopping self-critical thoughts. Every time you make a different choice, you are rewriting your story.

Step 3: Anchor Yourself in Your “Why”

Change can be hard, and old patterns will tempt you. I still catch myself thinking, “I want a ciggie.” When that happens, I pause and remind myself why I quit. I followed Allen Carr’s method: I wrote down all the things about smoking that I hate and why I wanted to stop. I remind myself that non-smokers don’t feel this struggle — this craving is temporary and not worth returning to.

This strategy can be adapted to any toxic behaviour: write down why you’re committed to change, what it costs you, and what freedom will feel like.

Step 4: Feel the Fear and Move Through It

Many of us return to toxic behaviours out of fear — fear of missing out, fear of confronting ourselves, fear of the unknown. The key is not to eliminate fear, but to face it consciously. Acknowledge it, journal about it, meditate on it, or talk it through with a supportive friend or coach.

Step 5: Replace the Old With the New

Healing isn’t just about quitting; it’s about filling the space left behind. Replace harmful habits with nourishing practices: movement, creativity, meditation, connection, or small rituals of self-care. Every positive habit strengthens your new story and makes it easier to resist the old cycle.

Step 6: Celebrate Every Victory

Even the smallest choice counts. Every moment you say “no” to what harms you, every time you choose yourself over the pattern, you are breaking the cycle. Honour that courage. It compounds, and slowly, your life begins to reflect the freedom you’ve been seeking.

This is exactly the work I support in my sessions — helping people recognise the old story, create a new one, and anchor it in their life. For those who want deeper support, my 6- and 12-week programs guide you step by step through this process, helping you replace old cycles with lasting habits and self-nurturing practices.

Your freedom is waiting. The first step is choosing yourself. 🌿